


Marijuanas in your marine base? More likely than you think!

by Doucheflamingo



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, so many game grumps references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5911510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doucheflamingo/pseuds/Doucheflamingo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Borsalino takes another toke</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marijuanas in your marine base? More likely than you think!

With a huff of breath, Sakazuki placed the weights back down. Standing back up, he popped his back, the sound resounding in the empty weight room. He took a towel and wiped the sweat from his brow, eyes darting to the clock.

23:00

He’d been in there since 21:00, working out and lifting weights. It was his ritual to come here and work off the day’s stresses. Even better, there were very few other men in the gym this time at night. Most were desperate for rest, going to bed as soon as they could. 

But not Sakazuki. The straight-laced man sacrificed rest for work, ever eager to move up the ladder. Some would call him anal. A certain Monkey D Garp did refer to him as such, but that’s beside the point. Being a model Marine like him took time, discipline, and sacrifice, something he was more than willing to give. Unlike some of his comrades. A certain lanky man came to mind.

_Borsalino_

Sakazuki made his way to the locker room, grabbing all his necessary toiletries and heading to the showers. He turned on the water at a low temperature setting, thankful for the refreshment it provided after a long workout. The sound of water running was all that could be heard in the shower room. It was peaceful, yet a tad bit unnerving. 

He grabbed a bottle of shampoo and squirted out the liquid, running his fingers through his short locks. It began to lather up, only for him to rinse it off shortly afterwards.

Taking the bottle of body wash he tried to pour some out, only to get air. Smacking it on his hand a few times, a couple drops fell out. Sakazuki grit his teeth as he started to lather his body up, washing the sweat and grime from his previous exertion away. 

The smell of old spice filled the shower stall, taking over his senses. Both him and Borsalino used the same brand, the latter often mistaking his things for Sakazuki’s possessions. At least, that’s how he explained it. It was probably just because he was too lazy to go out and buy his own when he ran out. 

Speaking of Borsalino, he usually popped in and bugged him during his workout routine, asking if he needed a spot with a sarcastic air of teasing. He could be an annoyance, pain in the ass would describe him more aptly in all honesty. But he did break the silence with his never ending bout of questions and stories, always with a joke at the end. Not one for easy friendship, Sakazuki still appreciated the man’s affability nonetheless. His presence kept things from lulling into ear-piercing silence, the kind that made things downright uncomfortable. 

_Not that he’d ever tell anyone._

He rinsed the suds off his body and shook his head. “Tch, it’s peaceful without him anyway.” Sakazuki paused, eyes wide. The sound of shoes tapping on the tiles of the locker room echoed into the showers.

He wasn’t alone.

His eyes squinted as he finished rinsing off. There was a good chance it was Borsalino, mid-shower attacks never out of the question with the odd man. 

Sakazuki thought back to the first time he had intruded on his personal shower time, offering to scrub his back. A slight shiver ran down his spine at the awkward moment caused by the older man’s lack of self consciousness and personal space. That memory never failed to unnerve him. 

He turned off the faucet, listening closely as he tied a towel around his waist. Quickly turning around, he realized there was no one else there, just him a few leaky shower heads. 

He pursed his lips and left the shower room, hand held tightly on his towel.

“No, no man. You gotta start here!”

“Where?”

“Here!”

Sakazuki eyed Cancer and Stainless as they stood between the row of lockers, towels open to one another. 

“No way man, that doesn’t count. No wonder you were beating me.” Cancer pointed somewhere Sakazuki couldn’t see, “You gotta start here. Right here.” He pointed again for emphasis. 

“No way dude, you measure the whole damn thing.”

Cancer’s head snapped back, his shoulders hunching up. “Oh now you’re gonna tell me we start with the balls, eh?”

“Don’t bother, I know mine are bigger.” Stainless rolled his eyes. He tied his towel together, signifying the end of the argument. 

“What was that needle dick?”

“You heard me pretty boy.”

“Ay, you better watch what you say pal. You might wake up one morning with your little peach fuzz gone.”

Stainless held both his hands on top of his lip. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“You know I would. Not like there’s much to shave anyway.”

Stainless clenched his fist, puffing his chest out. “I’ll clock you so hard-”

Annoyed, Sakazuki rolled his eyes and walked right through the arguing friends, heading for his locker. 

The two parted for the taller, man. His muscular physique put theirs to shame, giving them plenty of a reason to give him a wide berth. 

“Oh, hey Sakazuki,” Cancer called out. “How’s it going?”

“Fine.” He opened the locker up with a loud pop and pulled out his gym bag, rummaging around for his clothes.

Stainless faced Sakazuki, crossing his arms. “You wouldn’t happen to have a measuring tape on you, would ya?”

“No, sorry.” 

“Shame.”

Sakazuki quickly threw on his clothes and grabbed his gym bag, ready to be away from the air of stupidity surrounding him. These two had far better things to do than measuring their dicks, and yet here they were, flashing one another. “Idiots.” 

Leaving the room, he passed by a cheerful Yamakaji, giving him a curt nod. 

“Good evening,” the affable man greeted him. 

Sakazuki kept walking, hearing Cancer’s voice echo in the room.

“Yo, Yamakaji. You got a tape measure on ya?”

Walking through the corridors to his quarters was peaceful. The chilly air of the night felt great on his skin of his arms, his tank top doing little to keep the wind from him. 

Now if only he could go to sleep and get a good rest. The only possible thing that could prevent that from happening was his roommate,  _Borsalino._  

Roommate-wise, he wasn’t as bad as one would think. He went to bed at a reasonable time, kept his side of the room clean. It was only on random nights that he kept Sakazuki awake, talking out of his head at ungodly hours. 

“Pencils are pretty arrogant sometimes.”

“Checkers would be better with badgers.”

“Mushrooms taste good in the basement.”

“My favorite color is banana.”

“Where do I go when I sleep?”

The list goes on...

When that happened, pillows would fly. Straight into the older man’s face. And quite harshly at that. Such inane ramblings at ungodly hours of the morning were an automatic trigger for physical violence. He always complained about the larger man bullying him, but they were water on a duck’s back. Sakazuki was glad to dish out punishment when it was necessary.

Standing before his door, he put his hand on the door knob, pausing. His ears were alerted to a noise coming from inside. Music?

Sakazuki opened the door slowly, eyes widening at the sight inside.

~What you say about his company  
Is what you say about society  
Catch the mist, catch the myth  
Catch the mystery, catch the drift~

Borsalino sat in a beanbag chair, his beanie pulled down over his head. A cigarette hung between his lips as he rummaged around in a bag of chips. His head bobbed offbeat as he shoved a handful of chips in his mouth, the other hand taking the cigarette out.

“Yoooo Saka-kun~ You finally decided to join me.”

“Borsalino why the hell are you smoking in our room. You know that’s against the-” He stopped, sniffing the air. His nose turned up at the smell. “You imbecile! That’s not a cigarette!”

He advanced on Borsalino, taking the blunt from him.  “This is marijuanah,” he held It up with disgust on his face. “You’re smoking the marijuanahs!”

Borsalino laughed, “Marijuanah? It’s just weed duuuude.”

“I don’t give a good god damn what it is, drugs and other contraband are prohibited!” he immediately went to open the window. He flicked the blunt out, hoping it wouldn’t fall anywhere it could be found.

“Heyyy man, don’t open up that window. You’ll let out the antidote!”

He opened up the window all the way, using his cap to fan out the plumes of smoke. “Why the hell would you even do such a thing?”

 “This is what happens when I listen to Rush.”

Going out into the hallway and walking back in, he was glad to see some of the smell had left. He took out his sweaty gym clothes and put them on one of the chairs. “If the this can’t overtake the smell, I don’t know what will.”

Borsalino popped a few more chips into his mouth. “Hey Saka, can you do me a favor?”

Sakazuki let out a sigh and rubbed the growing pain in his temple. “Sure.”

“Okay,” Borsalino said, shoving a few more chips into his mouth. 

Sakazuki looked over, waiting for him to say more, but that seemed to be the end of his question. He shook his head and surveyed all the empty wrappers in the room. “How much have you eaten?”

“Everything maaaan, I’ve got the munchies like you would not believe~”

Sakazuki grit his teeth, but pulled in his anger.” It’s fine Sakazuki, nothing was hurt and he’ll clean all this shit up tomorrow.” He went over to his desk and sat down with a sigh, grabbing a pen to continue the paperwork he had forgotten about.  

Sifting through the various papers in the three neat stacks, he couldn’t seem to find it. “Borsalino, have you seen my report from the other day?”

“Hm?” He stopped flipping through a magazine to look over.

“My report from Monday, have you seen it?”

“Oh yeah. Hehe, you said that thing was giving some trouble so I took care of it for you.”

“You can’t fill out _my_ reports, you imbecile!”

“Fill it out? Nahhh” Borsalino went to get more chips, but realized he was all out. He slowly opened up a bag of donuts and popped one into his mouth. “I used to to make a blunt,” he said as he licked the powdered sugar from his fingers.

“YOU WHAT?” Sakazuki jumped from his chair, a flaming fist heading straight for Borsalino.

Red eyes widening, Borsalino dodged and fell to the floor.

A third of the beanbag sat on the floor, the other two thirds either gone or now ash.

Sakazuki, smoking fist held high, stalked Borsalino as he scooted back into the corner.

“Now now Saka-kuuuun, don’t be like that.”

“I’ll be damn well like this!”

Borsalino held up a magazine in front of himself for protection.

Sakazuki’s eyebrow raised as he looked at the cover.

_Sweet, Sweet Candy Centerfold_

“Is that pornographic material?” He grabbed it with his fist and threw it to the side, burning it in the process.

Borsalino’s eyes followed it, saddened by its demise.

Sakazuki grabbed him by the front of his shirt, “Tomorrow you’re going to march into the office and explain yourself, got it?”

“Y-yeah man. Sure thing Saka-kun.” He held back his head from the man’s rising temperatures. “Whatever you need me to do.”

Sakazuki dropped him on the floor and went back to his desk, falling into the chair. He rubbed his temples again, wishing for the pain to go away. “Thanks to you I now have a headache. I’ve named it Borsalino,” he bit out.

Borsalino sat on the ground rubbing his now sore ass cheeks. He laid down on his stomach and reached for his bag of donuts. Once he started to eat them, he seemed to be a more cheerful mood. He even began to smile again, flakes of powdered sugar getting caught in his stubble.

~Catching the swirling wind the sailor sees  
The rim of the land  
The eagle's dancing wings create as weather  
Spins out of hand~

“Hey Saka, can you turn down the music? I can’t really taste my donuts.” Rolling over to the side, he narrowly avoided the large paperweight chunked right at his face.

“Ugh,” Borsalino awoke, rubbing his stomach. He eyed the various junk food bags and candy bar wrappers laying on his bed and scattered on the floor. The processed food from last night made a return, his stomach churning. He pressed his hand to his lips and ran to the window, the sounds of retching following shortly after.

Sakazuki ignored him, pulling on his uniform. “Get dressed before you’re late for breakfast.”

A few minutes later, Borsalino pulled his head back in. “Ehhhh, I’m not very hungry this morning.” His usual cheerfulness was gone, his subdued tone a huge indicator. He sat back down on his bed, lying on his back. “I feel horrible.” He sniffed at the air, “And it stinks.”

“Serves you right, dumbass. And it’s better than smelling like your drugs.”

A knock on the door caught their attention. Sakazuki walked over to answer it.

Kuzan leaned in the doorway yawning and rubbing his hair. “Yo Momonga was wondering if...” He paused as his eyes took in the state of their room. 

“That high, huh?”

A half burnt bean bag sat on the floor, the white beads scattered everywhere. 

Wrappers of various sweet and salty foods thrown about.

There was even a comic book burnt to ashes laying on the ground. Wait….he peered closer. THAT WASN’T A COMIC BOOK!

Kuzan stumbled into the room, falling onto the floor. “NO NO NO NOT CANDY!” He held up the charred remains of his precious porn magazine that he had lent to Borsalino the day before. He held it to his chest, cold tears brimming in his eyes. “Shhh, it’s alright sweetheart. Daddy will fix you up.” A tear intermingled with the ashes, creating a black paste that stained Kuzan’s shirt and hands. The magazine seemed to melt into his chest.

The tears were now flowing. “No Candy, don’t leave me sweetheart. Not after all the good times we spent together.” He pressed the goop closer to his chest, hugging the remnants of it. It only seemed to seep through his fingers faster, falling into his lap. There was now a large black stain on his crotch, a few pieces of paper stuck to his pants.

The entire time Sakazuki stood and watched him with an air of incredulity.

Stainless and Cancer were now standing in the doorway, watching Kuzan’s meltdown.

“Geez man that sucks,” Cancer said as he pulled at his collar.

Borsalino sat on his bed in silent reverence for his friend’s loss. “I’m so sorry Kuzan.” He held his hands out. “I’ll get you another next chance I get.”

“No, nothing can replace Candy. Her rack….it was perfection.” His head shot up, “I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LIKE HER!” He jumped from his spot on the floor and approached Sakazuki. He grabbed his collar, shoving his face into the perpetrator’s.

“It was you wasn’t it? Only you would burn something!” His eyes fell back to the pile of what was once his favorite magazine on the floor, eyes losing their once burning anger. “She’s been good to me all these years. She deserved better.” The anger came back, his fists tightening around Sakazuki’s collar. “She didn’t deserve to be manhandled by a bastard like you!”

Sakazuki shoved him back, “Stop this nonsense. Having such material is disgusting, defending it even more so.” He dusted off his jacket, eyes widening as he looked at the soot Kuzan’s hands had left on his jacket. “And now you’ve gone and gotten my clothes dirty, you asshole.”

“Asshole?” Kuzan pointed once again to the deceased Candy. “You’re the asshole here!”

“Oh geez,” Stainless muttered from the doorway.

“Not this again, these two are always going at it.” Cancer smacked his forehead.

“Kuzan and Akainu fighting again,” Dalmatian asked from the hallway.

“Yep,” Cancer and Stainless replied.

Dalmatian stepped forward, joining the small crowd gathered around the door.

Ice formed on Kuzan’s fist, “I’ll never forgive you for what you did to her.”

Smoke began to billow from his clenched fist. “That sounds like a personal problem.”

“Oh come on you two,” Borsalino called out as he stood from his bed. “Yes, yes Sakazuki burned your magazine. He quite obviously doesn’t know how to treat a lady.” He leaned over, hand rubbing his stomach. It took him a moment to regain his composure. He gave Sakazuki a dirty look. “But there’s no need to exchange blows over it. Just apologize for destroying it Saka.”

“Hell no.”

“Apologize for destroying Candy,” Kuzan shouted.

“I refuse to apologize for something that needed to be done.” He smirked, his lips going into a lopsided grin. “Besides, who would even want to dream of such a disgusting woman?”

Kuzan’s fist shot out, a hand shooting out to grab it in the air. “Bwahaha, a little early for training, don’t you think boys?”

“Vice Admiral Garp,” the three called out. They immediately stopped what they were doing, saluting their superior.

Garp looked at the three. Sakazuki’s slightly stained coat and reddened cheeks. Borsalino’s faltering stature and green face. Kuzan’s dirty crotch and angry face.

“Uhh, what the hell is even going on in here?” He tapped his chin, his head tilting to the side as he eyed Kuzan’s crotch. “Son, if it’s that color I think you need to see somebody about that.”

Kuzan startled at his words, his cheeks taking on a slight pink hue. “It’s just ashes sir.”

“Oh,” he started to laugh, clapping Sakazuki on the shoulder. “Yeah I guess it’s magma brat over here who’d have that problem.”

Every man in the room stifled their laughter seeing the way Sakazuki bristled at Garp’s words.

“We’re just having a little spat is all. Sakazuki destroyed a magazine Kuzan lent me.”

“Hm? A fight over a magazine?”

“It wasn’t just a magazine, it was Candy!”

Garp looked at Kuzan, even more confused. “So it was a candy magazine?”

“No sir, Candy was the name of the centerfold.”

“Ohhh, Candy! Bwahahaha.” Tears formed at his eyes as he laughed at the situation. “Magma brat over here burnt up your favorite porno mag!”

Borsalino started to laugh along with him.

The spectators chuckled nervously.

“Wait, Candy you say?” He hit his fist on his hand, “You mean the one with the great rack?”

Kuzan jumped at the tone of familiarity in his voice. “You know Candy?”

“Know her? I see her all the time.” He winked at the younger men.

The three in the doorway all turned their heads, faces turning green from thinking about the hidden meaning of Garp’s words.

“If you need her anytime, just give me a holler.”

“Th-thank you very much vice admiral Garp.” Kuzan bowed, hands held straight against his sides.

Sakazuki could hardly believe his ears. Garp was a vice admiral for crying out loud. Why the hell would he admit to such unscrupulous behavior? And in front of younger men like him and the others. He cleared his throat, “In all due respect sir, I believe it’s time for breakfast.”

Garp’s eyes widened, seeming to pull him from his train of thought. “You’re right!” He immediately left the room, not even saying goodbye.

Borsalino pat Kuzan on the shoulder. “All’s well that ends well, friend. You should go get changed.”

Kuzan looked down at himself, remembering how much of a mess he was. “Oh right,” he muttered as he left the room. “See you at training!”

“Well that was interesting,” he pat his stomach. “And I think I have my appetite back.”

Sakazuki took his coat off, deciding to go without it for the day. “Hurry up and get dressed.” He turned to the three still standing in the door. “AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THREE LOOKING AT?”

The gawkers all ran out of the doorway, frightened by his voice. In fact, they were so scared, they kept on running, straight out of the barracks.

Cancer leaned over, putting his hands on his knees. “Phew, that guy’s got a temper.”

“Yeah,” Stainless let out a sigh. “Thought we were going to end up like Candy for a minute there.”

“Oh yeah, here’s that measuring tape you wanted.” Dalmatian pulled it from his pocket and tossed it to Cancer.

Stainless and Cancer grinned at each other like two guilty conspirators, the previous debacle temporarily forgotten.

“What the hell are you two doing with it anyway?”

“You want to help us out with something? It’ll only take a minute.”

“Sure,” Dalmatian shrugged his shoulders.


End file.
